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(no subject) [May. 22nd, 2011|01:57 am]
Full moon dancing.
And perhaps that it was. But my synapsaes are firing like crazy.
People became wild animals, naked and writhing and sweaty. And unpleasant. Sex driven, alcohol fueled, brutalness.
Cooking meat for sale.
Dreds slathered in Nagshampa.
Try to drown out people by focusing on the bass.

Cleaning my room in fury, trying to be calm.
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(no subject) [May. 20th, 2011|01:43 am]
Tonight every little amp, watt. Whatever they are, are grating their nails down my back.
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(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2010|12:41 am]
I laid on my back the whole time staring at the fan. By the end nearly all my hair was wet with tears.
It makes sense and at the same time no sense.
I'd known for weeks it was coming, with late night panic attacks and feeling lonely beside him.
But at the same time I've pinched myself a few times to see if i'm dreaming.
I wanted to hurt him with words and I tried, but straight away I would feel bad and cry more.
And we fell into making love which I don't really remember, except at the end I was still crying.
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(no subject) [Dec. 1st, 2009|10:36 pm]
Before I was 18 I wanted to cry more. Willed myself to have my emotional reactions closer to my 'surface'.
Knowing that they coloured me deep down to a level I couldn't comprehend, I worried often that not expressing them would eventually make me sick. Self-fulfilling prophecy, or whatever.

Now I cry alot. At inapropiate times. Times when I don't want to. Not how I pictured - at home alone, in my bed, late at night in a therapeutic way. And its messy.

I get caught sometimes, realising how the further I go into life, the rougher it gets.
Loving, succeeding, living, not sleeping - all have an inherit threat sitting right along side with them.
Pain, failure, embassment, making mistakes.
Nothing ground breaking I know.
Just feeling the heat of the threat tonight.
How can I walk quietly and unnoticed and still love and succeed.

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(no subject) [Sep. 23rd, 2009|11:01 pm]
Despite being painfully tired from long long days, and unable to breathe too well from a freakish dust storm, I want to put in words, out there, out here, out of my head, just how fortunate I am. To know wonderful people. In a wonderful town, in a wonderful country.

Sure there are things that are worthy of a struggle.

But they pale in comparison to my best friend who was in intensive care two weeks ago and today is back at work, but never able to eat solid food again. To be able to eat pureed dahl with her tomorrow at lunch after watching her breathe through a machine is some kind of ... mind blowing something.

And a potential life partner, who I think ive really only seen maybe 6 times now. But gets sweeter each time.

And parents who are studying while working long full weeks.

And a brother who still at 16, wants me to come in and say goodnight to time when i visit home.

And a sister who will defend my 'honour' to anyone and anything. Without a doubt.

Flatmates who I can ask to borrow money off, or bring my lunch to me at work when Ive forgotten it.

All of it, and none of it sounds as special as it really is.

But acknowledging it will have to do for now.

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